Empowerment

I was 34 and was given the news whilst in Holloway Prison; at the time I was addicted to heroin and inside for the third time on a drug-related crime. I was put into isolation – it was strange, I was quite accepting about dying but I didn’t want to die the way that I was living: a junkie, a victim and in a prison cell. When I was released I put myself on a methadone prescription, didn’t get myself in any more trouble, attended my hospital appointments and got pretty angry and dismayed about the extent of the prejudice I experienced around the illness.

Two years went by and I was still alive and I made a decision to give up drugs completely, so I went into rehab for nearly a year.

Once drug-free, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life but in 1991 I saw an advert for a client service worker at Positively Women [now Positively UK] and applied – I got the job. PW had been going for a while but had just got proper premises and was in the midst of transforming from a support group into a fully-fledged organisation.

Upon reflection, I really do think that the next few years were an incredible period of my life – the original founders of PW were still working there and those women were an inspiration to me. It was a great time – helping set up the services that are now part and parcel of the organisation, developing the complementary therapies and the drugs and prison work. I empowered myself whilst working hard to empower others, and became the services manager; a personal achievement and so far removed from my previous lifestyle. But it was also tinged with a lot of sadness, as in those days there were no treatments and very little hope (which was why PW was so incredibly important). The deaths of friends, colleagues and my boyfriend were relentless and during the funeral of Jaynie, one of the founders, I made a decision to leave and do something creative in case it was me next!!

However, instead of being creative, I got involved with ICW (International Community of Women Living with HIV/AIDS) as a trustee and volunteer for a further seven years, which again was an empowering yet sometimes fraught experience, but gave me the chance to travel and meet and work with some wonderful women all over the world. I also came back to PW as a sessional worker.

With the advent of treatments and a future I FINALLY let go of it all and immersed myself in my first love – embroidery. I started a course and just loved being creative again, but three years ago I was diagnosed with the most aggressive strain of breast cancer and had a mastectomy. At the time it was felt that due to HIV, chemotherapy may prove fatal so I had a course of radiotherapy – my studies were interrupted but I went back to them and completed my course. I enrolled to take a further course, started it and guess what? Last year they found another lump; the cancer had returned, and this time the doctors thought that as I had survived 20 years with HIV, my best option was to have a course of chemotherapy. It was dreadful but I am through it now – still alive, back at college and although I can’t wait for my hair to grow back, am off to Thailand this weekend with my lovely boyfriend for a much-needed holiday (life goes on).

During my chemotherapy, I felt so ill, but on one of my rare trips out (besides hospital appointments) I went to a ‘Pamper Yourself’ day at Positively UK and it was probably the first time I had ever attended anything there purely as a client. I was struck by the fact that it is still a special and much-needed place.

This story was first published on the Positively UK website. Thanks to Positively UK for giving permission to reproduce it here.

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