HIV, HIV,
HIV! It seems that ever since I was disclosed to by my father in a hospital
waiting room, my life has been all about HIV. Like shackles on my ankles, it
has kept me both prisoner and given me the desire for freedom, both educated me
in the potential of life and showed me my limitations. Being positive has given
me an array of experiences both good and bad. At twelve you could have never
told me that, out of the darkness that HIV casts upon your life there would be
light piercing its dark spectrum.
When my
father first told me of my status my first thought was death and how tragically
short my life will be. Instinctively I cried assuming the worst, because like
many in society I had bought into the tombstone propaganda pushed by the media.
That was it, I had nothing left to live for.
It was
hard enough dealing with the fact that my life seemed all but over, it became
even tougher when I realised that I could not turn to my friends for support.
HIV didn’t carry the same sympathies as cancer, a disease people contract “through
no fault of their own”.
It was
shrouded in prejudice, stigma and common misconceptions, the biggest being that
you got it because you deserved it for being morally questionable or you had committed
a wrongdoing of some kind. Life offered little comfort in its embrace, as it
took my father away from me four months after he had disclosed to me leaving my
sister, brother and I. As my father was positive too, this reinforced my fears
that death was imminent.
Unlike
people back in Africa, where I was born, I had the fortune of being able to
attend a group for young people infected or affected by HIV at Body & Soul.
It fast became my sanctuary, a home away from home where I could strip back the
protective layers that kept secret my true self. I was me wholeheartedly when I
walked through those doors. I had left the bigots behind and found friends.
Being
around so many people who had endured so much in life but kept a resilient and
dignified strength, beauty and compassion about them, gave me the courage to
challenge myself and face my demons. It led me to disclose for the first time
in my life.
I was 16
years old and my girlfriend at the time was a leggy light-skinned girl, with ‘come
get me’ eyes that all the guys wanted, but she picked me (he laughs at the
competition). It was the weekend and we had decided to have sex for the first
time. I had been putting it off for a year and a half, something slightly
unnatural for a guy my age with raging hormones. She thought I was just being a
gentleman, but I was just afraid because she meant a lot to me and I didn’t
want to lose her.
Despite
my efforts the day had finally come. We were in my bedroom and I just started
talking about hypothetical scenarios like, “what would she do if she found out
I was HIV-positive?” I was trying to gauge what kind of response I was likely
to receive. Her reply was that she would shoot me dead, because I had not told
her and put her at risk. Not the most encouraging start, but nonetheless I
dropped the bomb, I could not dodge time forever.
She
became quiet, then asked if this was a joke, I calmly replied no. Silence took
over again. Then she shuddered, tears began streaming down her cheek. It felt
like I was on Family Fortunes: “What's the most common question asked when
people disclose their HIV status...Our survey says: ‘Are you going to die?’”
I thought
that this may be a red herring thrown out there to lull me into a false sense
of security, while unwittingly I was bombarded with punches from all sides. I
said no, and to my surprise she hugged me. I asked her, don’t you want to gouge
my eyes out or give me a facial tattoo with your fingernails? She just said she
was disappointed that I had not told her sooner, but she loved me and didn't
want to go anywhere.
The
positive experience of my first disclosure gave me the self belief that has led
me to disclose to all my sexual partners. Some reactions have not been so smooth,
but I have found with a little charisma and education on the facts, you can
turn the biggest skeptic into a believer. It may not happen always but it can
happen.
Now I am
open about my status to all my partners and to my friends basically those who need
to know, but I will not let it define my character. That is why I maintain my
anonymity in this article. Not because of fear but because the content of my
character makes me more than HIV. I am more than my illness, I thank those that
have touched my life and given me this power and self belief, notably my father
and those at Body & Soul. The strength felt emotionally has also manifested
itself physically, I have been undetectable for six years.
HIV has
been both the biggest bane and blessing on my existence, it has introduced me
to people with both the purest and darkest of hearts, limited my ambition and
spurred it further. Now I’m studying at university, and don’t feel the
pressures of the rat race of life, I don’t know what I want to do in the future,
just that I want to enjoy it and enjoy the ride. No matter the illness whether
it be cancer or HIV, or the hurdle obstructing my progress. I firmly believe,
life is for the living.
*Names
have been changed.