Seroconversion

I was given my diagnosis over the telephone after spending four days in hospital with meningitis. I now realise it wasn’t meningitis, it was an HIV seroconversion illness. I literally couldn’t get out of bed one day and ended up in A&E. I was terrified and alone and I asked if it could be HIV. The ward was overcrowded and no one saw me for three days after an initial consultation except the nurse who told me nothing. Then I was discharged.

I don’t know why, but I knew that couldn’t be the end of it. I went for an antigen test.

After the initial shock of being told that I had HIV over the phone by a doctor, I was in a daze for about a week. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I just sat there most days, not knowing how to go on and wanting to hit out because it was so unfair; it’s not fair for anyone.

After being told I would have to be retested before I could get a place in a clinic, I nearly broke down, I knew I was positive and didn’t want to go through more tests.

Then I got to speak to an amazing senior health worker and things started to change. I left with an appointment to see a consultant and a smile for the first time in weeks.

My blood results were erratic as to be expected and I’m still waiting for them to stabilise, fingers crossed, but I knew all that and I expected it. What I hadn’t expected was the anxiety and panic attacks, the nightmares I had and the lack of breath. It took a while for me to calm down about it and I am not usually an anxious person. These were totally new experiences to me and I was finding it tough. Combined with the dermatitis, fatigue and continual stomach bugs I experienced, I felt like I was falling apart.

I’m not saying all this to cause worry; I’m saying all this because if I’d have known to expect some of this, it wouldn’t have been so hard. Jumping hurdles is easier if you can see them.

It’s been seven months now and for the first time I’m actually feeling okay about it. Obviously I still worry about things, particularly the future, I never felt so mortal before and my long-term health still concerns me, but I feel ok.

I feel ok because I feel like I know what to expect now. I have a different outlook on things. I feel better for knowing my status and I’m making so much more of my life than I was before. I think about where I’ll be in 15 years, not in a bad way, in a good way, I want to have done something.

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