Ups and downs

2004 is a year I definitely won’t forget. It had just turned New Year and everything was going great. I was at college, had a good job, a lovely boyfriend and lived at home with my mum who went to her partner’s at weekends (you know how it is when you are only 16: PARTY!) Everything felt right this was my year! Yeah for bad news!

They always say bad things come in threes and boy did it! First BV (bacterial vaginosis), second gonorrhoea and then an HIV-positive diagnosis. My world came crashing down around me and there was nothing to hold it up. My perfect life was anything but.

I told my boyfriend and he couldn’t deal with it; I don’t blame him. I left college, I just couldn’t deal with all the added stress and pressure as well as seeing the man that had given it to me – he worked in the college canteen and was in total denial.

2004 was definitely not my year, or so I thought. Coming to terms with my diagnosis was hard and still is, it’s taken me three years to fully accept my ‘condition’ and come to terms with the responsibility it has given me. I not only have to ensure I take care of myself but that I’m safe and careful around others, especially men.

I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs since my diagnosis. Times when I felt so low I just wished I wasn’t here, but I’ve had more times when I’ve been on top of the world and so proud of myself for achieving things no matter how simple they were. I suppose HIV should be seen as a weakness, especially when it kicks in and really starts to have an effect. But I see it as a strength. It has made me so determined to succeed in all I do and always put in 110%. I feel more grateful for the things I have and do. I believe everything happens for a reason and I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t accepted what I am. I know it’s no bed of roses; I’ve just learnt to appreciate life more and realise what is precious and important to me. So 2004 was definitely a life-changing memorable year, just not in the way I hoped.

It's now been years since my diagnosis and looking back to 2004, yes it was life-changing, bad beginning to the year but I also fell in love for the first time that year, met fantastic people and had lots of fun too. I now realise that my life is worth living and every day is another chance to change my mistakes and achieve what I want, because although being HIV positive has changed my life it hasn’t changed my dreams or the person I am, the person who is loved. Now I am succeeding with my new-found strength and it’s been anything but easy, but easy is never fun! I’m now back at college doing a course I love, I have a good job as a care assistant and I have a lovely flat to call my own. So every year will always be memorable, although 2004 will always stick in my mind as the year that gave me a reason to live because I won’t give in, especially not to HIV!

This story was first published on the Positively UK website. Thanks to Positively UK for giving permission to reproduce it here.

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