The decision to tell (or not to tell) a sexual partner can be particularly complex. Many people living with HIV have faced rejection from sexual partners, so don’t find disclosing to new partners easy. And there may be strong feelings and emotions between the two of you.

Your partner may have concerns about the risk of HIV transmission, but may not be aware that effective HIV treatment makes this incredibly unlikely. Discussing what an ‘undetectable’ viral load means with an HIV-negative partner may help them feel less anxious about sex. It has helped many couples feel that one of them having HIV is not ‘a big deal’.

“I’m open and honest with my sexual partners, I have nothing to hide because I’m undetectable and I know I can’t transmit the virus, that gives me peace of mind and power over my sexuality.”

Unfortunately, not many people who don’t have HIV (or don’t know their HIV status) have an accurate understanding of HIV treatment and prevention. In a 2014 survey of the general public, just one in five people knew that the following statement was true: “The risk of someone who is taking effective HIV treatment passing on HIV through sex is extremely low”.

So when you talk about treatment and infectiousness with a sexual partner, it may take some time for them to understand and trust what you are saying. It may help to ask your HIV doctor to talk to you and your partner about this. Your doctor will be able to answer any questions your partner may have. 

“I’ve had my ups and downs, some guys will just straight away dismiss you and tell you that, no sorry they don’t want to get involved, I don’t want to catch it. Some will pretend that they are OK with it, but actually their actions are different.”

There is no legal obligation to tell your sexual partners that you have HIV. But it's important to know that there can be legal implications to not telling someone, if the sex you have puts the other person at risk of HIV infection.

In England, Wales and Northern Ireland, a person can be sent to prison if they do not tell a sexual partner that they are HIV positive before having sex without a condom – and the sex results in HIV transmission.

In Scotland, the law is different. A person with HIV may be sent to prison if they do not tell a sexual partner that they are HIV positive before having sex without a condom. They may be convicted even if there is no HIV transmission.

In order to get more detailed information about the law or to talk through the issue of telling a sexual partner, it may be helpful to contact a confidential telephone helpline such as THT Direct (0808 802 1221). You can also find out more on our topics pages and in the NAM booklet HIV & sex. Talking to other people with HIV about how they deal with these things might also be helpful.